You are bidding on an ass that has been rocked off by CRANKDADDY, central New York’s hardest-rockin’ punk rock ‘n’ roll band.

Every time CRANKDADDY plays, there are a number of these left behind. This is to be expected, seeing we rock as hard as we do. However, it can get a tad annoying when a club owner gets all up in our grill and starts riding us to clean them up. I mean, seriously. We’ve got a lot to do after a show: Load out the Marshall wall. Pack up only the rockin’-est gear from Gibson, Fender, Dean, Charvel, Jackson, Schecter, and Pearl. And categorize groupies by height, cup size, and ability to fit into our Princess-Leia-in-Jabba’s-throne-room-outfit.  On top of all that we gotta stop everything we’re doing and go pick up asses off the floor? Whatev.

The bottom line is every time we play, we come home with a hefty pile of ass.  At first we simply kept them as trophies, souvenirs of an audience well rocked. But then we thought, “Hey, why not put ‘em to good use?” and tacked them up in our rehearsal space. (You’d be amazed at how well they soundproof the room. Not sure if you knew this, but ass is one of nature’s most acoustically perfect body parts. But I digress.)

Anyway, we figured that instead of just hoarding all this fine ass, somebody out there might actually need another one. I mean, it’s not like you can just pick up one of these babies at your local Walmart or anything, right? So here we are, ebaying an ass. Is this a great country or what?

This particular ass is of the Caucasian variety, and seems to be devoid of excess flab, cellulite, and stupid Grateful Dead dancing bear tattoos.

Suggested uses include – but are not limited to – the following:

*  Desktop pen and/or pencil holder

*  Travel pillow

*  Split it down the middle to fashion a cool set of earmuffs or salt and pepper shakers

*  Bongo drums

*  Festive Easter hat

*  Boot jack

*  “Special” friend on those nights you’re alone and you just watched a “Sex and the City” rerun

*  One-at-a-time tissue dispenser

*  Thing to put your chewed up gum under

*  Pan-fryin’

We guarantee that you will be satisfied with your purchase of this ass. On the off chance that you are not, we will compensate you with a FREE copy of our latest CD, which contains our hits “Jetta” and (how’s this for a co-inky-dink?) “People Whose Asses I Could Kick.” I know most guarantees involve getting your money back, but that’s just not possible right now. We pretty much blew our entire advance from DreamWorks on liquor, Spam, and Skittles, and now we owe them a pantload of cash.

However, we’re sure you’ll love the CD, as it rocks with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns that have been set on fire with something really hot and burning. But then again, what else would you expect from a band like CRANKDADDY, a band who serves up “authentic punk raunch” (Creativity Magazine) “with a sense of humor”(jsullysix) and who are “incredibly hot and sexy” (me).

If you want to know more about us, feel free to check out us out on the web at crankdaddy dot com (feel free to google "crankdaddy"). There’s lots of cool stuff to see there, like pictures of us rockin’ at CBGBs, lyrics, videos, and the world’s first “Bio-ku”, which is essentially our band bio in haiku form. And everybody knows that nothing says rock and roll quite like an ancient Japanese poetry style.

You can also buy our first CD on the website, if you’re so inclined. However, that might be silly because you can basically download the songs for free. On the other hand, you won’t get the really cool lyric sheet insert, either, so forget that thing I just said and order it from us. It’s really cheap anyway, and it’ll go a long way towards helping us get those goons from DreamWorks off our back.

So there it is. An ass rocked off by CRANKDADDY – yours if you’re the high bidder. Thanks for checking out our auction, and don’t forget to check us out at crankdaddy dot com. While you’re there, don’t forget to send us an email, as we could really use some propping up right now. All of us in the band are actually quite fragile nowadays, on account of being turned down by Mutt Lange to produce our next CD. Actually, he didn’t turn us down so much as we’re just pretty sure he would. I mean, put yourself in his position: Produce CRANKDADDY, bang Shania Twain. Produce CRANKDADDY, bang Shania Twain. You see where I’m going with this.

Anyway, thanks again for checking out our auction. Feel free to email me with any questions, like:

“Is it a big ass?”

No. More smallish, really. Actually, not smallish, either. More Kournikova-ish.

“How can I get CRANKDADDY to rock asses off at my concert/party/Bar Mitzvah/bachelorette party?”

Easy. Just ask. We’ll play anywhere, provided of course you meet our three main contract riders: A dish of peeled M&Ms (we see one speck of candy coating, we walk), four breast implants (not actually implanted in a woman, just the bags of goo themselves), and a kilo of pure, uncut Underwood Deviled Ham Spread.

“What’s up with J.Lo getting married? Does this girl have a clue?”

No. But she does have one hell of an ass we could rock off.

Thanks…good luck…and happy bidding!

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